By Dr. Karen Struble, Clinical Psychologist
In recent years the number of Western-world households without children has risen tremendously. Reasons abound. Some folks search for a suitable (a.k.a. real grown-up) mate, but cannot find one. Others suffer the pain of infertility or other medical conditions. Still others are fertile couples who choose not to bear children because they anticipate that the costs, whether financial, emotional, or both, are simply too high.
Regardless of reasons, a large swath of adults today find themselves doing life outside the presence of little ones, even though the Life Model calls for parent-level maturity as a part of healthy development. If you are a part of this cohort, this article is for you.
For those who want to keep growing beyond adult-level maturity, there comes a point when we must tackle the challenge of learning to give without expecting anything in return. We must choose to sacrifice our own wants, and yes, sometimes even our needs, for the sake of someone younger, weaker, and less autonomous than ourselves. New mommies and daddies automatically face this challenge as part of the childrearing package. But because we’re now living in an age-segregated society, people without their own children must borrow some to earn the parent badge.
A good place to start might be your local church nursery or children’s Sunday school. Churches are often so short of volunteers that they require young parents to serve as needed. This solution is completely backwards. Young parents are the ones who most need some adults-only activities, and adults without kids are the ones who can be most enriched by rocking a tiny baby or teaching a memory verse to a snaggle-toothed kindergartener.
Another idea is to cook or pick up a meal for a young family and bring it to them, or host them in your home. Once again, we tend to expect families to be the ones to host single adults or newlyweds, when the reverse option, although less typical, tends to be healthier and more balanced. Parents of young children often go through their days in a state of chronic exhaustion, desperate for assistance, while unattached adults frequently become lonely and bored, wondering where they fit into the community. Many families today are so stretched for time that they are struggling to come up with the next dinner plan. A family meal delivered is like manna from heaven. And if you join them in the eating, you just might find the kids eager to show their appreciation with hugs and smiles to fill your joy bucket. The appreciation from kids is never guaranteed, though, as their moods tend to change quickly. Thus, anything you do for or with them qualifies as a parent-level activity.
Taking kids places is a third way to serve as an extra parent. By the time children reach school age, most parents spend countless hours running the kids to music lessons, sports practices, play dates, and the like. The constant step-and-fetch routine tends to drive parents to distraction. As long as you have a safe driving record, a reliable vehicle, and a willing heart, you’re likely to be seen as a gift from God by just about any parent you choose as the recipient of your kindness. Boredom need never again be a part of your life.
There are many other ways to find belonging as an extra parent to children in your community. Putting yourself out there can make a difference right where you live. You just might be surprised by the joy it will add to your life.
