By Jim Wilder
If forgiveness means saying, “That’s OK” to things that aren’t OK then none of us should forgive. Forgiveness is not about pushing ourselves to the limit of what we can tolerate. Susan Shapiro in the Washington Post Eight Times It Might Be Healthier Not to Forgive makes the point that whenever forgiveness begins to sound like “you have no reason to still be upset” it shifts the blame from offender to the person harmed. Forgiveness is not about saying “that’s OK” about things that are not OK.
Fr. Ubald Rugirangoga survived the Rwandan genocide. More than fifty of his family members were killed, including his mother. Many people were killed by fellow church members and even killed inside churches where they sought refuge. I met Fr. Ubald while consulting on the documentary, Forgiveness the Secret of Peace chronicling his experience rebuilding his community after the genocide. Fr. Ubald forgave Straton, the man who ordered the killing of Ubald’s mother. Ubald paid for Straton’s son’s education while his father was in prison for his crimes. Ubald was passionate about his emotional freedom though forgiveness without minimizing the murders. He also thought forgiveness prevented evil from spreading.
As Fr. Ubald and I were making breakfast he made it clear that forgiveness was a response to immense wrongs. Far from being overlooked, or OK or even something that could be tolerated, forgiveness was a response to damage that could neither be undone nor repaid. Forgiveness freed him from actively carrying his misery forward and passing it to another generation. No one could ever pay the debt or make it right. It could only be forgiven.
Forgiveness is an economic concept about debts that are impossible to pay. When Jesus tells a parable about forgiveness, the man owes 200,000 years’ worth of wages. Forgiveness was the alternative to the man being sold (along with his wife, children, and possession). Being sold would not pay even a slight amount of the debt but would ensure the debtor and family would be miserable for several lifetimes. Debtor’s prisons also kept debtors miserable.
While the main point of the parable was not to expect forgiveness if we don’t forgive others, the story illustrates the two responses to debts that cannot be paid – forgive or make people miserable. Are we people who force misery onto others, or do we give people a chance to be a Better Self? The purpose of forgiveness is to give offenders and debtors another chance to be their better selves.
If someone owes me a government sized debt of fifteen trillion dollars the idea of a repayment plan makes no sense. What is left to decide is whether I will let them start over or make the rest of their life miserable because they cannot repay the debt. Do I cause further misery or forgive? What I do will reveal my character and establish my impact on the world.
Forgiveness is the generous option. Forgiveness is 100% about the character and generosity of the forgiver and not how deserving the debtor might be. Generosity is about the identity and character of the giver.
Most major religions presume that people are not always their best selves. The spiritual value of forgiveness hinges on our finding a Better Self than the one that was displayed. Everything that needs forgiveness began when people were not their best selves. Forgiveness means, “I see room for you (and me) to be someone better.”
Forgiving is the desire to see our better selves have another chance. After all, nothing can be done to repay the debt. That is impossible. With no repayment plan possible, can we forgive debts and give others another chance to be a Better Self? In Fr. Ubald’s community the expectations for this Better Self were clear. Since your Worse Self took away someone’s family, your Better Self will confess and become their replacement family. Under the supervision of his parish community the results were remarkable as can be seen in the documentary.
When The Offense Continues
Forgiveness is about giving people room to be their Better Self next time. For that reason, forgiveness does not help any offense continue. Forgiveness has an active interest in their finding a Better Self. To do so, the one who forgives will make sure that any natural and legal consequences for the offense are found. Forgiving will involve being a truthful witness to the crimes committed. Churches repeatedly fail to give a truthful witness to abuses and hurt they create. In many cases, church leaders have even justified dishonesty.
Some people continue offending because each offense is a win for them. They have no interest in a Better Self. Saying “I’m sorry” is no indication of seeking change. Forgiving means preventing, escaping, and avoiding all possible reenactments of the offense. Any new offenses are an expression of the offender’s Toxic Self. Forgiveness is all about giving their Better Self a chance and not about giving their Lower Self another shot.
But there are two ways in which offenses continue. One is through indifference of the offender, but the other is a learning curve. As people really work to become a Better Self they will fail repeatedly. We give endless chances to try again for those who are working to learn. At the same time, we will take care that we don’t allow them to cause any preventable damage. It is particularly this attention to preventing further damage that is usually missing when churches reinstate repentant perpetrators.
Can everyone forgive?
It takes some maturity to forgive. Maturity provides the developed sense of self that is worth protecting. Someone who does not understand their own worth hears forgiveness as “they are worth more than I am.” Thus, until we develop a moderately robust sense of our Worthwhile Self, forgiveness is not an understandable option.
Forgiveness involves a second understanding about ourselves. We need to understand that we can be less than our best. When our identities are strong enough to know that sometimes our better selves fail and want another chance, we begin understanding forgiveness. Forgiveness is my Best Self giving your Best Self room to come back. Until I understand that my Better Self can fail, I cannot make any sense of forgiving.
Conclusion
Most Christians have a clear sense that we have not been the people God wants us to be all the time. We pair this with an idea that sometime after we die, we will become our better selves. In the meantime, we try to control our lower selves. But ask most people what their Better (and eternal) Self is like, and they have no practical application to help them when they have done wrong. Forgiveness then becomes trying to overlook wrongs rather than building our eternal identities. Overcoming church hurt will require a firm grip on both the truth of what harm we have done and protective guidance toward who we will be eternally.
