By Michael Sullivant
In the popular series, The Chosen, the writers depict some significant “church hurt” (from the earliest days!) happening in the relationship between Simon Peter the fisherman, and Matthew the tax collector. Although this introduces some extra-biblical content to the storyline, it is not hard to imagine that there actually were these kinds of challenging relational dynamics going on among the twelve disciples. After all, they didn’t choose the people they were called to relate to and work with so closely. Jesus did the choosing. He even intentionally chose someone to be a disciple that He knew would betray Him. “Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him” (John 6:44). And betrayal may be a top cause for “church hurt”.
As a tax collector for the Roman empire, Matthew a fellow Jew in Capernaum, was viewed as a well-known despised traitor to his own people. So, after calling the first few disciples to follow Him as their rabbi, Jesus invites Matthew to leave his dubious job to become a part of His inner circle. As a result, the relational tension between Peter and Matthew is seen from time to time in the series. That is, until Season 4 Episode 2.
Jesus obviously knows from the start the offense that Peter holds against Matthew. Yet, the master teacher does not try to sort them out right away. He tolerates the tension between them until the optimal time arrives to address their relational breach. It was the proverbial “elephant in the room”! Yet, Jesus waits patiently until the distress of the offense surfaces in the consciousness of both men. Then, when they independently approach Him to express their confusion and pain, Jesus gently, but firmly, sets the stage for their reconciliation to unfold. And importantly, He prods them without disrespecting their process.
Here is the poignant scene where Matthew approaches Jesus and is awakened to his past failure to confess his past fault in the relationship: https://youtu.be/mYX8VxpBqSA?si=cn7ogqyLzWgPCOZf
When Matthew finally finds the courage to confess his failure to Peter, Peter does not immediately forgive him. However, Jesus had already made clear to Matthew that we “do not apologize to get forgiveness, but to repent”. There is a big difference in motivations here! The former is subtly manipulative, and the latter is truly humble. In essence, Jesus says that forgiveness is a gift that the offended must freely give to a penitent offender.
Still, Matthew’s confession disrupts Peter on a deep level, which then compels Peter to approach Jesus with his struggle with forgiving Matthew. Jesus makes it clear that whenever a guilty offender truly repents and seeks our forgiveness, then we are called by our Creator to offer them this gift. There is always legitimate suffering involved in forgiving someone. However, there is also a great relief. We sacrifice our “right” to pure justice to “love mercy” and mirror back to creation the image of God. And the merciful will receive mercy.
It is hard not to shed tears when we finally witness the gutsy full reconciliation of Peter and Matthew. Here is a video that pieces these two scenes together: https://youtu.be/CeNfioeSDUQ
The hope for rising above various kinds of “church hurt” often lies in learning when and how to
1. practice “unconditional forgiveness” 2. practice “conditional forgiveness” 3. effectively apologize for our lack of loving God and others, and 4) know where to begin applying forgiveness.
The following are some distinctive points of guidance from scripture that relate to these four situations that help to mitigate various forms of church hurt:
- Jesus taught about a kind of forgiveness that is unconditional: “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). This basic level of forgiveness seems to cover any situation by which we have been offended. The goal of this forgiveness keeps the person doing the forgiving from resentment and bitterness. No one can afford to take these poisons of the soul into their being and expect to live their best life in Christ. When a person is waylaid in life by harboring a resentful spirit, such toxins will inevitably spill over into other relationships and cause even more harm and breaches of trust.
- Jesus also taught a higher level of forgiveness that restores broken relationships. “Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4). This deeper kind of forgiveness often requires a courageous and loving confrontation on the part of the offended and then conviction, contrition, confession, repentance, and sometimes even restitution on the part of the offender. This was the kind of reconciliation that The Chosen illustrates with Matthew and Peter. There is much more to say about how this kind and level of forgiveness is lived out in church life.
- Jesus also taught us about the least harmful pathway to relational reconciliation. This happens when the offender sees their failure, takes the initiative to personally reach out to the offended, offers an effective apology to them, and the offended one offers back their gift of forgiveness. “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24) This offender realizes that their worship and prayers to God are hindered until they seek to make things right again.
- Finally, John, the “apostle of love” makes clear that when it comes to living out the love of Christ in the world, we need to begin at home with the people to whom we are closest. “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen” (1 John 4:20). We do not want to fall into the erroneous mentality of Lucy in Charles Schultz’s beloved comic strip Peanuts:
It’s good to think globally and then to act locally. The grass is only greener on the other side of the fence if we do not prioritize tending our own patch of earth!
May we find the grace and courage to pay attention to Jesus’ and John’s words about forgiveness and authentic love as we do our part to mitigate the presence of “church hurt” in our lives and the lives of those around us.
