By Hannah Ploegstra
When church leaders get hurt there is often no one for them to blame or run to for help, and nothing perpetuates hurt worse than a chronically in-pain leader. Using the family as a grid, we can fortify our churches against the hurt that stems from overworked, joyless, under-cared-for leadership – for the sake of everyone, including our leaders.
The church is designed by God to grow relationally not as a business, a club, or a team, but as a family (1 Tim 5:1-2). God is our Father and Christ is our Brother and Husband – building a healthy eternal family is what he’s all about. Many ministers forget this and then feel unprepared when “family trouble” crops up in the church. How far have you matured in your natural family? This is roughly the level of familial weight you are going to find bearable in the church.
One thing gained over time in families is the capacity for joy and ability to return to joy from pain. Our capacity for pain is limited by our capacity for joy. A family needs leaders who can navigate through pain back to joy – and bring the whole group with them. This is why Paul tells Timothy to look at the emotional condition of the potential leader’s family (1 Tim 3:4-5, 12-13).
The relational skills you’ve learned at home as a brother/sister (adult), mother/father (parent), or grandparent (elder) will directly transfer to the relational leadership you can sustainably offer in your ministry – and, in my experience, not the other way around.
And so, to fortify your ministry against church hurt, I give you Rule #1: Don’t go lightly into positions of spiritual leadership that require relational maturity you haven’t developed in your natural family.
Immature ministers and/or the people they serve are likely to be hurt and to hurt others in a variety of ways, for example:
- Lack of relational wisdom – causing poor communication or joyless encounters.
- Burnout – causing shame for the minister and betrayal for those being ministered to.
- Remaining predatorial instincts – causing destructive attachments or addictions.
- Insecurity or ambition– causing exclusion of other valuable members to share in the work.
Many churches like to hire young people for ministry positions – and for good reasons. Younger people carry sharp vision, loads of energy, and a healthy dose of idealism that allows them to try new things and take necessary risks for growth. Paul, who teaches us to observe maturity in selecting leaders, also tells his spiritual son, Timothy, not to let anyone despise his youth or disqualify him for it (1 Tim 4:12).
But then again, Paul compensates for Timothy’s lack of experience and maturity – as a spiritual father (1 Tim 1:2, 2:2). The letters from Paul to Timothy are evidence of the level of care young leaders need from older spiritual family members.
And so, I give you Rule #2: If you must break rule #1, get more mature people to know and support you and be to you what you still lack in maturity.
An important quality of good leadership means knowing – and living according to – your true limits. This humble honesty fortifies any group from a world of pain. In a family, we wouldn’t leave the children in charge indefinitely. Church hurt happens when good leadership breaks down, but where leaders are strong in joy and have experience and support in navigating crisis and conflict in community, our church families are going to be set up for a lot more joy than hurt.
