By Joca & Joel Prudhomme
Jesus calls us His friends. This is an incredible thought, not just Him a friend to me but me a friend to Him also, sharing His heart, His joys, and His sorrows and working together with Him to achieve our Father’s purposes. He wants me to have this kind of relationship with others also, my brothers and sisters, bearing with each other, being patient and compassionate with each other, and enjoying each other in a beautiful harmony where each from his abundance gives to others in their need, all looking to Immanuel to guide us as the head that holds this body all together.
Friendships, partnerships, work relationships, and marriage relationships are all extremely important elements of our adult lives. But a quick look will show that many of us struggle to sustain strong, healthy relationships in adulthood, due to a lack of adult level relational maturity. Sadly, many of us are still stuck interacting like emotional infants or children in relationships that require so much more. At an adult level of maturity, we can sustain mutually satisfying relationships where the good of the other person is now as important to me as my own good. The goal is a “win-win” mentality, where our desire is to find solutions where both of us feel satisfied with the outcome. A good place to start is with the “golden rule” that Jesus taught, do unto others as you would have them do to you (Matthew 7:12). Do I want to be listened to? I should also listen. If I desire to be appreciated, then I should also remember to appreciate others. If I desire a fair wage for my work, I should also be willing to pay a fair price for the work of others. There are endless applications of this simple phrase!
As a child I took care of me, and you took care of you. When we couldn’t figure out a mutually satisfying solution, we took back our toys and went our separate ways. But as an adult the great dance of receiving and giving life takes on a new complexity. Now I must learn to find the balance where, without losing sight of my own needs, I am also concerned about yours. If I see you struggling, it just doesn’t feel right to go my way without doing what I can to help. When our first child was born, people from our local church organized meals for us for the first week or two. What a great blessing it was to see people who we were just getting to know taking time out of their busy schedules to bring us a meal and encourage us. They didn’t have to do it, but it brought joy to them and to us and strengthened the bonds of our friendship.
One of Joca’s favorite passages is 2 Cor. 9:7. “You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. ‘For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.’” (NLT) Many adults are stuck in the comfort of receiving all the time. It’s painful for them to sacrifice time, money, comfort, or pleasure to seek the good of another. For others, they feel ashamed of having needs and prefer not to receive. They feel safe when they are the ones who always give, not depending on others. But in a mutually satisfying relationship, I will give with joy because I know and respect my limits, and I can receive with joy because I know that God is the one who gives to me through others, and He will never let me down. Jesus himself asked for what He needed from His friends, for example, in the last supper when He said “I have longed to have this time with you,” or in the garden of Gethsemane, when He asked them to “watch and pray” as He bowed under the weight of overwhelming emotions. He also gave willingly what He had come to give, showing the greatest love by laying down His life for His friends.
Another source of joy in adult relationships is expressing our hearts without fear and enjoying who we are and offering the same to those around us. Jesus didn’t see Peter as a coward but as a shepherd for His flock. He didn’t see Paul as a persecutor of the church, but as a great missionary. In adult relationships, from the security of knowing who we are, we can also enjoy what God has put in others. This means that I don’t have to have the spotlight all the time, I want others to shine too! At work, at church, in friendships or my marriage, I’m going to look for ways to encourage those around me to express what God has put in them. And when it’s my time to share the good things God has given to me, I can do it with joy and without fear or pride. I (Joel) remember a time in my life when I was surrounded by people who only seemed happy to be with me if I provided some benefit to them. It was exhausting. Then one day I made a friend who seemed to enjoy me for who I was, even seeing in me things that I didn’t see in myself. It was like water in the desert. Now after 15 years of marriage she continues to do the same and I’m learning from her example.
Sometimes our interactions with others will be difficult or painful. We need to turn to Jesus and ask Him for His “eyes” to see our spouses, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and especially our enemies, as He sees them. He alone knows who He has designed each of us to be. Dr. Marcus Warner, president of Deeper Walk International, invites couples that he counsels to ask God to show them the lies they are believing about the other person, and then to show them how He sees the other person. This can be applied in any relationship. With God’s perspective we can work through our differences to find mutually satisfying solutions.
Finally, relating at an adult level means understanding that we, and many of the adults around us, have not yet reached completion. Many of us have areas where we haven’t grown up well or have been damaged by our own sin and the sins of others. In our relationships, we will have to recognize the maturity level of the other person and respond accordingly. They may not be able to give and receive in a mutually satisfying way. Yet we can still be “cheerful givers”, offering what we will be satisfied to offer, considering what is good for both of us, whether the other person knows how to appreciate it or not. This may mean not taking advantage of someone who always wants to give. Or it may mean looking to the Lord and to others to provide for us what we won’t get from a person who only wants to receive. Jesus knew that we would all fail Him, yet He didn’t condition His love for us on what we could give Him in return, but rather gave freely His very life to us “for the joy set before Him.” So too, we will face moments when, for the joy set before us, we sacrifice our comfort, resources, or time, to bear another’s burden and encourage and help them on their road to maturity just as we surely have been helped along our way. As it says in Ephesians 4:15-16 “. . . growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.”
