By Joel and Joca Prudhomme
Before having children, I was sure that I would be a great dad. What a surprise to discover as a parent of young children that I seemed completely incapable of doing even half of the wonderful things that I had read in the parenting books! This grand adventure of raising children is rarely what we expect, and we are often not the parents we dreamed we would be. However, with all our imperfections, we are the ones that our Heavenly Father has chosen for this job, and with His help we can do our best to equip our children for their future. Here are some principles that my wife Joca and I are learning as we navigate the realities of the exciting but challenging child stage of maturity.
Keep the Relationship More Important Than the Problem.
What happened to my precious baby? Suddenly my child has a mind of their own, talks back to me, doesn’t come the moment I call them, points out my flaws, and says that my wonderful healthy lunch is yucky along with a myriad of other actions and attitudes that can quickly knock us into “enemy mode” and a battle of wills or words that rapidly spins out of control. In these moments we easily forget the precious heart entrusted to our care. Yet, that’s exactly what we need – to remember how valuable this relationship is to us, and to keep the focus on caring for it amid the upset, theirs, ours, or both.
We need to remember who they are and who we are in our divine design, not our momentary failure. When an older sibling is unkind to a younger sibling it’s easy to focus on the frustrating behavior. “You’re always picking on your little brother or sister!” we might say. But what if instead we remind them of their heart as God designed it? “Remember, you’re a protector. You have a kind heart. How can you show that in this situation?” We often need to recall our design as well. We can ask ourselves, “How would I respond in this situation acting from the heart that Jesus gave me?” When we fail, we can share with our children how we would have liked to act, sharing our “true heart” towards them. “You know, I feel really bad about the words that I said to you a little while ago, it’s not my heart to tear you down. I want to build you up and encourage you. I wish I had said it this way instead…”
Joca, likes to tell our children that she has a library in her head and a little squirrel that runs to fetch books in order to find the way to respond to the situations that arise, but sometimes the books are old unhelpful patterns that come from her own upbringing, or there is no book at all, so her reaction in the moment isn’t God’s design for her or the way that she really wants to act.
Be Humble and Say You’re Sorry.
We don’t know everything, and we often blow it as parents. We can give our children a great gift by humbling ourselves and modeling repentance when we fail to act out of our heavenly design. “Please forgive me for …” can be very difficult words to pronounce, but they go a long way in keeping the relationship strong and teaching our children what to do when they have ruptures in their own relationships.
If we can also add, as mentioned above, how we would have rather acted in the situation, we give ourselves and our children another gift, a new pattern to follow, a new “book” in the library for the squirrel to grab the next time we are in the same situation.
Humility also leads us to listen. I asked our children what they thought we were doing well, and where we needed to improve. They were almost unanimous in saying that they appreciate when we listen to them. On the other hand, they all agreed that one of the most frustrating things is when we don’t, but rather assume things, or correct them without having heard “their side of the story.” James 1:19 is abundantly clear on this point, “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Many issues in our family have been resolved by taking the time to listen instead of rushing to judgment.
Model the Behaviors That You Want Them to Learn.
As a parent, much of what we do well, or poorly, we picked up from the example of our own parents, often without them saying a word. When we find frustrating patterns in our children, it’s a good moment to stop and think, “Is this something they’ve gotten from my example?” Stop that! is easy to say, but if we really want them to learn from us, we need to also change to model for them what we want them to do.
This is fairly simple for visible things like doing a family devotional, brushing our teeth after meals, or saying please and thank you, but what about how we handle our emotions? They can’t see what we’re doing internally, so it’s important sometimes to narrate our process. “Wow, I feel a little ashamed and frustrated because you said that the food I made for you looks disgusting. I’m going to take some deep breaths and think about how to respond because taking care of our relationship is important to me.”
Stories are another excellent way to model character, to teach a lesson, or just to change the atmosphere. Instead of correcting or teaching our children directly we sometimes tell a story about their situation. Inevitably they want to jump in with their thoughts and observations and will often find the application without any extra prompting from us. Stories about us as parents are also valuable for them to understand our mind and our reactions. They can relate to a tale about a little tiger cub left alone to navigate life in the jungle of strong emotions who now as a father of three rambunctious cubs of his own often doesn’t know how to help them with their emotional struggles. When we intertwine stories of God’s redemptive work in our lives, we also point them to their heavenly Father, the only perfect parent who has everything they need.
Make Time for Rest and Joy
Get up, get the kids ready for school, off to work, pick the kids up, take them to soccer practice, music lessons, church activities, homework, doctors’ appointments – are you feeling overwhelmed yet? With such busy schedules, there is little time left to just rest together, or to share joy each day. Add a chronic illness in the family, marital struggles, single parenting, or any other complicated factor and it can seem almost impossible. However, the ability to calm strong emotions and to rest is the greatest predictor of good mental health over a lifetime, so we must prioritize it in our homes. Now is a good time to analyze our family goals. What keeps us from resting? What keeps us from joyful moments together? What priorities do we need to change to have these times?
My wife has started a 30 minute “talk time” with our kids as they settle down for bed. They love the opportunity to connect, to tell her about their adventures, their imagination, the movie they watched last week, their latest projects, or whatever is on their minds. We also take time as we are getting ready to sleep to pray together and to do simple “quieting” exercises – breathe, share things we appreciate, or meditate on joyful memories. Thanksgiving and confession of sins are often part of our nightly prayer time and lead to a more peaceful sleep.
When we are rested, it is much easier to build joy. Joy is like oil for our relational motors. Everything runs more smoothly when we can share the feeling of “we’re glad to be together” in the daily ups and downs of family life. We easily forget to stop and smile at our children or share a laugh with them. We miss out on all the delightful moments that only come with childhood innocence. Their sweet faces, their precious perspective on life and reactions to daily happenings, their candid comments, and humorous mishaps are all moments to enjoy together. But it takes time, and it often requires pushing the pause button on what we’ve got going on in order to be a part of the moment with them.
We can start by simply looking them in the eye when they are telling us something and smiling or greeting them with a grin and a hug when they get out of bed in the morning, and of course, setting aside special time to spend with each child is priceless. One of the hardest things for me, but that has paid the biggest dividends, is joining in silly games and jokes that they might make up. Our boys love a good round of “crazy ball.” Basically, you take a football, soccer ball, basketball, or any other ball, and go crazy with it. You make up the rules as you go. The main goal is to try not to get hurt and laugh a lot!
Heal and Grow in Your Own Maturity.
I thoroughly enjoyed the infant stage of our first-born son, and we developed a lovely bond. I assumed things would just get better from there! However, as we moved into the child stage, I realized that something was missing. I felt distant, irritable, was always busy, and often had little joy or desire for connection. What had happened to me? Where was the fun-loving father always ready to romp around with rambunctious kids?
Looking back, I realized that due to adverse circumstances in my own family during my childhood, there was a gaping hole in my maturity. There were things I hadn’t received and areas that I hadn’t grown up in as a child and I didn’t know how to give those things to my own children. Maturing is not easy as it requires healing old wounds and learning new patterns. It requires help from more mature individuals to mentor us, and of course, the guidance and healing touch of God our Heavenly Father and Jesus our spiritual Brother restoring us to the people he wants us to be. As our oldest child now moves towards adolescence, I see things that I have been unable to give him, but I continue to strive to grow in order to share with him and his younger brothers the best that I have.
Lead Them to the Heavenly Father.
It doesn’t take long to notice that we and our community can only give to our children so much. The best thing we can do is to lead them to their Heavenly Father and teach them how to have a strong connection with Him. Joca often tells of how her mother would say to her, “I am not always with you, but God is.” God the Father, His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, are always available and have unlimited capacity. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t disconnect when His children cry or yell. He doesn’t respond harshly to childish mistakes and immaturity. His arms are always open, and His kindness and compassion have no end. There are many things that we would like to be for our children, but in the end, our faith is in the Holy Trinity to provide for them everything that we can’t, limited as we are, and to continue to grow them up into His wonderful and precious design as promised in His word, “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil 1:6
