By Claudia Hendricks
When we hear the word “infant” our mind instantaneously tends to dismiss the topic thinking it does not concern us as adults. But when we stop to see how God has designed our brains to grow an integrated identity at an infant level, things get interesting.
The infant stage of maturity takes place in the first 3-4 years of life and the main task to be completed during this stage is learning to receive. Freely and joyfully. Without guilt and shame. Without having to perform or do anything in return.
Maturity tasks cannot be skipped because each stage builds on the previous one instead of replacing it.
I became aware of this reality when I was far past infanthood.
I grew up struggling to receive without giving in return. When someone offered a compliment or a gift, I felt this churn in my stomach of not knowing how to absorb it, and an urge to let that moment pass by as quickly as possible. I wanted to bend over so the words would pass over my head. I struggled to pause, to let my body relax and be excited to receive those good words or presents being offered to me.
Feeling gratitude in our bodies assumes the ability to receive. Living by grace without feeling the slightest condemnation implies being able to freely receive regardless of what I could do in return. Feeling loved and liked by God in our bodies implies the capacity to fully receive. Even though I understood that concept well, I just did not feel it inside my skin. Instead, I would try to please God and others in exchange.
Recognizing this hole in my infant maturity was the first step to repairing it. Asking for help was the second, as we need a community to heal and grow our God given identity. I started sharing the discovery of my poor development of this ability and the need to practice building that “muscle” in my brain.
My first training was to practice feeling liked by God.
Reading about an 80-year-old man who skipped down the street on the day of his birthday because Abba was so fond of him, made me realize that I was not able to skip in the same way on my own birthday. I knew God liked me, but my body did not feel it like this old man in the story.
The first step was to build joy with God by pausing to absorb the sparkle in His eye, shining upon my face because He likes me. I came to God many times until I felt His delight like butterflies moving from my skin to my stomach. He communicated He is fond of me, and I could feel it. Since then, I have been able to skip and dance on my birthday!!
The other step was to invite people to help me.
I shared with my family and friends about this maturity hole and my intention to work hard to repair it.
I was part of a small group of women. We were meeting at a nice office space. These friends started to force me to sit in the best chair of the room, knowing this would be hard for me to receive. My family and church friends invited me to go first in line for food. Others gave me random gifts for no reason. It was their way of saying, “You need to practice receiving freely and we are with you in this.” It was hard at the beginning. Much resistance would show up in my muscles and my mind. I also spent time interacting with God and wise friends to heal past wounds that reinforced my inability to receive. There is hope when we tell God and others what we need, as we take a risk to work on what is missing.
We also need a good theology. One that guides us to be filled with joy in His presence and with His body, our community, instead of performing to feel good. The inability to freely receive translates into an unconscious tendency to please God and others to prove we are a good person, as if God could be happier the more I work for Him.
Instead, God is invested in attachment. He wants intimacy through building joy and sharing peace with us, and for us to do that with each other so we can receive and give life to one another. God provided a family where everyone is needed to help each other grow capacity and become our true selves. A lack of maturity is painful. It reveals the good we were supposed to receive but did not. The good news is that repair is possible. To fully give we start by fully receiving.
At Life Model Works we offer resources to guide you in how to engage in that process. You can check books like Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You and opportunities to practice like our study groups, as well as training offered by our friends at THRIVEtoday.
