By Hannah Ploegstra
God clearly uses pain for our good – but then, trauma can also cripple us for life and be perpetuated into the future as we do unto others the evils that have been done against us. How can we tell the difference between church hurt that increases maturity and spiritual abuse that destroys our faith?
Church hurt is the inevitable result of human weakness exposed through community life. Every person in the church, including leaders, comes with unresolved sin, limitations on capacity and wisdom, and some degree of self-interest, and these get exposed – and sanctified – as we stick together in the body of Christ. Spiritual abuse, on the other hand, is the result of a need for power that has mushroomed out of control. There’s a qualitative difference in the effects of getting hurt by someone’s weakness and getting abused by someone’s power.
Church hurt can strengthen our faith, increase maturity, and sharpen our devotion to God. Many people have allowed church hurt to ruin their faith, but we as a people have been given the power of forgiveness to heal our sin against each other. Forgiveness provides a way for you to continue your relationship with God and His people. Even when irreversible damage has been done, the gospel assures us that one day all will be healed – and so we stay in the game.
But spiritual abuse sets you up to be destroyed, because it presents a false experience of God’s power. Spiritual abuse (by definition) almost always comes from those in spiritual authority (pastors, mothers, fathers, husbands). Their weapon of power is the biblical command of God to submit, obey, and surrender. Subtly or overtly, they scare people into submission by implying that to disobey them is to disobey God. Abuse often makes people feel crazy, and if their faith is fragile, young, or weak this can send them away from the church – or worse, from God – forever. They may leave not because of an unwillingness to forgive but from an actual misconception of what the gospel even is.
Given the fact that church hurt can be redeemed by God for our growth, we should not be quick to jump to an accusation of abuse every time someone causes pain. Facing a possible spiritual abuse situation means going through all the normal protocol that Jesus lays out for ordinary church hurt – going to the one who has hurt you with the intent to forgive, believing they can change, and being ready to move on in fellowship when the hurt has healed (Matt 18:15-17). But, if the process Jesus prescribes is countered with domination, accusation, or a denial of the need to listen, then you may be dealing with someone whose God-given authority has been hijacked by a more serious urgency to control people through power and fear.
The quick test to tell if you’re suffering church hurt or spiritual abuse is to ask yourself the question, do I feel pain or do I feel fear? It’s important to know that power and control by fear do not always present in loud, angry personalities. Sometimes those who appear quiet, wise, kind, or popular are the ones abusing their power. Abuse causes you to feel like your place in the community is under constant threat – and the biggest threat of all is you showing up as yourself. The New Testament repeatedly encourages us to endure the kind of pain that comes with sticking together, knowing that it will lead to greater peace and maturity for everyone—so long as we remain connected to the God who loves us as we truly are.
